Here I am, 40 days older.
I was afraid nothing would come of this journey. It’s been a long 40 days… not because I gave up meat but because life happened.Life has happened a lot in the past 10 months.
At times, life happening is breathless in the most exhilarating and fantastic ways… that flight on Christmas day to a world unknown all alone and excited beyond belief, the stroll around Valencia alone without a map and very little Spanish, that French man’s manners in Portugal, my first city bus alone, Paris with my best friend, Twilight and Sunrise from a storybook of moments only cliches can explain in the City of Love, the food oh the food, a new friendship or two, lying naked and vulnerable in a stone room while a Turkish woman scrubs you head to toe with said new friendship, realizing how many people just want to get to know you for only a moment… nothing more required, that moment waking up to sunshine on a train chugging along to a new terrain, the fiddle player enticing me to say hello to a ship, snow in Bologna, goodbyes to the cloudy greys of the UK,
a few coaches… a few trains… the amazing grace of humanity… the miracle of a stopped train… a smile and set of blue eyes I couldn’t wipe from my memory if I tried, Holland, yachts, sunshine, bar-b-ques, dingys, sandcastles, Heineken, Smoked Sole, the Dutch, heights, fears, fog, lost in the best of ways with the best of company, coaches.. France, Fooooodddd mouth-watering, castles and princes and joy, agony in the best way possible…
Serendipity 3, a Greyhound 37 hours, my dad’s face when I surprised him at work after 6 months away, my grandma’s exclamation of joy, road trips… long winding roads, seeing for what seems a million miles, the best hugs in the world, the most beautiful lake in the world, fireside food, priceless conversation, folk festivals….
roadtrips, surprises, exhilarating temperatures, moments you wish would last forever, new friends, foooodddd, the simple pleasure of a fireplace and a bed, frozzzennn hot chocolate and creme-de-la-creme cheesecake, a best friend-soulmate, dreams, long drives, winding roads, fall colors…
So many times I have failed.
I have meant to believe in all the things I want to believe in.
then I got lost. I forgot to believe.
That scared me, thoroughly so I just stopped the conversation. I didn’t think about it anymore.
and that is when I found myself in … a rabbit’s hole, and not the colorful Alice-in-Wonderland kind.
I want to believe:
People are good and maybe broken but not intentionally evil.
It’s possible to live impractically.
I can change the world for the better.
I can inspire others to be courageous and live their lives! I love the way that Evan Sanders put this: “To inspire people to live their lives with relentless drive, bold risk taking, courageous vulnerability and inspiring action.” – (www.TheBetterManProject.com)
But the forces of the world do not want you to believe these things. You become dangerous.
On the one hand, I have the dreams that are seemingly up in the clouds and on the other hand I have the ‘practical’…the always-done… the must-be-done.
On the one hand, I know this world… where time is only a concept, where every day is a new horizon, where food is an experience and an adventure, where new friends is a daily occurrence, where my soul jumps for joy, a world in which I am fully alive! This world where I inspire people. A world where I learn something new every single day. A world of adventure and cause and purpose…
On the one hand, I have the man I connect with on a level that I don’t even fully understand…that challenges me and scares me but that is chronically aloof and quite possibly just fantasy (but then why all the miracles?)… on the other hand, I have the man who is practical and here and trying but the connection is missing, at least there isn’t anywhere near the same level as the first. It’s all a metaphor.
On the other hand, I have to pay my rent, do my taxes, pay my medical bills, and make the grades. I have to figure out what the hell is wrong with my body and intentionally keep myself eating the right things so that I can be healthy again. I have to face mortality. I have to fight to live. I have to pay attention and take care of myself.
Do I keep on my living in my dreams? Or do I settle for living the practical? Is there another answer? Is there a middle road that I haven’t the eyes to see yet?
When life is too much… and these questions are overwhelming, my sub-conscious decides to ignore them. The worst thing you could do to me is ignore me. The worst thing my sub-conscious could do to me is ignore my most important questions.
Thus I spiraled into a dark hole where I was confused… and my sub-conscious had me chasing my tail thinking it was the light.
But here I am, Day 40 and the I finally have found the source.
I still am not sure where to go.
I will tell you this: I won’t settle. I won’t settle.
Maybe my dream world is a fantasy. Maybe I am full of it. I would rather live my whole life mad and ‘full of it’ than to live it ‘practically’ and settle for mediocracy.
I would rather be insane.
I will keep on believing because it’s possible.
“Nothing is impossible. Even the word itself says, ‘I’m Possible.'” – Audrey Hepburn (Happy would-be 84th Birthday by the way)